I’m about to do a very bad thing

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What have you done, my son?”

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“It’s not what I have done, but what I am about to do.”

“And what is that?”

“I’m going to root for head coach Mike Tomlin and the Pittsburgh Steelers in their game on Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens.”

“Oh, no, my son! This is bad, even for you, and that’s saying something, for you spend so much time with me in this confessional that you have a preferred parking spot. This is not a venial sin. This is a bad one. This is possible mortal sin material. It could get you excommunicated from the Church, the flock. We’ve got a lot of work to do here. And you know it also puts you onto the naughty list with Santa, which is not a great place to be, especially this close to Christmas. But I can’t help you with that. We work on different platforms. When we get done here, you’re going to have to get ahold of him. Anyway, I just can’t believe this. What would your dad say? You know, he’s looking down and seeing all this. How disappointed do you think he is? He’s the one who used to take you to all those Browns games as a kid.”

“I know, Father. I’ve outdone myself this time. The weight of the guilt is crushing me. My heart is heavy.”

“Then why are you doing it?”

“Well, you see, Father, it’s like this: Rooting for Tomlin and The Team Over East isn’t going to hurt the Browns. They’re in a playoff hunt. The Browns are in the hunt only for the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft next spring.”

“OK, soooo . . . ?”

“So, I am doing it because Tomlin is a great coach, so much better than their terrible knucklehead towel-waving fans give him credit for. They were chanting for him to get fired last Sunday. That’s crazy! Do you know how many bad teams he coached into a playoff berth. My goodness, Mason Rudolph, or Rudolph Mason, or whatever his name is, was his quarterback for a few of those seasons. He even started against the Bears a couple weeks ago. I’m an older guy, too, Father, so I know how it is when people think you’ve lost your football. I want him to succeed and get the team to the playoffs when no one thinks he can do it, so he can thumb his nose at everybody.”

“I am proud that you want to stick up for those who are marginalized. But at the same time, my son, there comes a time when all of those coaches need to move on. That includes the great ones. They all went through it — Landry, Shula, Stram, Halas, Belichick, Noll, even your guy, Paul Brown. You must step aside and let the normal course of things play out. Remember, my son, God has a plan for all of us, including brother Mike.”

“I will root for him on Sunday and the rest of the season — except against the Browns in Cleveland, of course — and then I will get my life back on track. I promise you, Father.”

“All right, see that you do it. Say three Hail Mary’s and make sure you never again go down this dangerous path. You know who the evil one’s favorite team is, don’t you? Now go forth and help the Brownies find a quarterback.”

Steve King

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